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CHRISTIAN
SINGLES
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CHRISTIAN SINGLES : GUIDE TO
ENDING LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION Cont.
Chapter 22. Three Dangerous Words And What They Have
To Do With The Runaway Bride!
If you want to build self-confidence and self-esteem in your children
(or yourself) what three words should you avoid using after discovering
an infraction of the rules in your household? Can you guess? I’d
better not keep you in suspense because some of you Christian singles
have an instant gratification issue (you know who you are!) So I’ll
cough up the answer right away. The words are Shame on you! No, they don’t
sound very sinister or damaging, but trust me, shame, when taken to
heart and kept in a person’s memory bank can bring a bitter harvest
over time. Psychologists have determined that a deep sense of shame is a
root cause of many emotional troubles, addictions, and violence. Back in
the 80’s the psychiatric community realized that they’d overlooked
shame, a major emotional problem, one so common, yet devastating, that
it was considered responsible for most of our mental and emotional
illness. A child can invite a sense of shame into his heart, without his
parent’s help or knowledge, and it can fester there for years, too.
The better way to handle a child’s bad behavior is to have a talk
about what they’ve done, and pray with them for forgiveness and God’s
help to not do it again. The parent might ground the child, or withdraw
privileges and explain that they have to do that to help the child
remember not to repeat the offense. But after their prayer, the child
should be made aware that God has forgiven them and they are no longer
guilty. That should avoid an unhealthy cloud of shame to take over their
heart. Teach them that God isn’t mad at them, or vindictive, but He
wants children to be safe from harm and to learn how to get along
happily with others by respecting their feelings and safety. Toxic shame
enters in when a child makes a mistake and twists it in his conscience
to believe HE IS THE MISTAKE. He needs to understand we are separate
from our wrong acts, and being sorry and wanting to make amends, erases
that wrong act so that he knows that he is GOOD, not BAD. Parents
carelessly set a child up for toxic shame by calling them a liar
(instead of telling them lying is the problem, not him, and he
can learn to be truthful, instead.) Remember, children really focus on a
parent’s angry face, and angry words, and can internalize it to mean
that there is nothing good about themselves. Repeated over time, toxic
shame will gain a foothold and he will find other failures to prove to
himself that he really isn’t good, lovable, or worthy of respect. Even
if he breaks your expensive vase or worse yet, your TV, his self-worth
is more important than material things, and he must not be called names,
belittled, or fear he has lost your love. His body, soul and spirit are
not one and the same with the his mistake (breaking something) but they
are far more valuable and cannot be replaced.
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